One of those superbly reflective epiphany moments in life.

What can I say, I'm at work.. I opened a folder intending to look for music to play, instead, I ended up reading some very personal things which I had forgotten I had written. I guess that's why I keep a blog, a diary or random scattered writings here and there. It's just cringe-worthy but so entertaining to be able to reflect on how I've grown. Be it for the better, or worse. I am reminded of how naive I used to be. To the point I didn't even know what "tap that a55" meant. So innocent and unbelievably naive! Reading these writings of mine, I see it all now in a different light. Why I got ditched, the reasons for it and that it never really worked out. I realise now that in my childish mind, I thought that what I was doing then were a brilliant idea. Instead, it backfired with gusto. Haha. Like for e.g., instead of coming off as a girl who was stringing along an ex who still had the hots for me, I probably came off as indecisive, desperate (for so called "considering" to take him back). Of course, I had absolutely no intention to and was just wanting to string him along and make him pay. Haha. How wrong I was. I became such a twisted dark person. Oh, so skewed and twisted. However, I have always recognised it all as a lesson to myself. To see what happened as building blocks of my character. I'm glad I never gave him my 100%, although that was probably why he ditched me. I've always said that I've changed heaps since then. I just never realised how much. No wonder I've become an embittered person. So much has happened since 7 years ago. Well, today, it is looking to the future and the today. It's funny how your priorities and wants in life change as you move along. I used to be so fixated on the wanting to settle down and all. The have the home, marriage and kids.. No doubt, I still want those. Don't get me wrong.. that's my ultimate aim. But in between that and now, I have to realise that I wouldn't mind peppering my life with a bit of adventure. Travel is one of them :) Driving to work today, I don't know.. Somehow the thought just crossed my mind that I would love to travel. You know, screw the idea of having kids before 30.. I'll just go travel meanwhile and have 1.5 kids maybe instead of 2.5... Okay, fine.. I think I'll stick with 2 perhaps. 1.5 sounds so lonely. So far, I've been doing that pretty well I think. Travelling to an exotic place or "something new" every year for the past few years now. It was to East Malaysia, Borneo Island last year and the year before, my dream come true.. Eastern Europe. This year, it will be the mythical wonder of the world, Angkor Wat. I can't wait! I am blessed and for that I am happy. There are things in my life which I want more of and regardless of what happens, it is important that I get it. However, now.. I realise and I see things in better perspective. I can see that I was only transferring my "wants" into certain "things". What I really want, is really something simple. A future. :) So time to lay down the burden of my past... I have learnt so in the past year or two.. Burdened with the many "dead weights" of my past.. I have come to learn to accept that it is natural for me to be uncomfortable in a lot of situations. However, like always, I will come around.. and I will gradually accept it.. even if it wasn't for the better. What I have to learn is to look to my past only as a guide, not as a burden. Screw the idea fluffy bright sun starry oh happy happy life is good only stuff. Life is full of shit and that's reality. I just get peeved off at the "life is perfect and should be happy sunshiney only".. it's so unrealistic and unreal. Life is full of real stuff. That is why I love reading about people who are REAL. Who talk abt the bad and good. we can make life as good as we want. Sure it'll be filled with moments of unhappiness and anger and negativity.. It's the climb out of it that matters. To as bright a future as I can make it :)