i gots 'em i dunno whats
I don't know if it's just another of my late night blues. Where it's the end of the day, and I'm feeling tired and a bit beaten by the day's activities and then my emotional defenses fail me. Or maybe it's the quietness of the night that allows my mind to wander.
I know it's quite likely that I am just over-thinking things again. Then again, I don't know.
How do I clarify things or know what's right from wrong? How can I be sure of what is right for me when I don't even know what I want.
Why can't I just accept things at face value and work towards something instead of constantly questioning things and wondering whether that is right or not?
The standard most logical answer to that is simply to not think too much. But, as a person who naturally does think. How does one stop thinking? Distractions work, however, they can only effective to a certain degree. Also, maybe it's also because I want to think?
Sometimes, I feel this strong urge to just blurt out whatever that's on my mind. Then, suddenly, I may realise that it's stupid and just fizzle and lose my guts to speak it out loud. Although, sometimes, the words just slip out and well, leading to either positive or negative outcomes. Sometimes it's just good to say whatever's on your mind. It's healthier rather than keeping things in. Then there are times where you just wished you'd never said it or that things are better left unsaid. Then there are things that have been on your mind for a long long time and you can neither decide whether or not it's right to tell or not.
I have one such thing. I think I should share it with the one person it involves. I have shared it with other people who haven't had much comments. I guess it's a sign I should just keep it to myself. I'm trying to start to keep things to myself. Sometimes I think I just information overload. Oh wait, I think I've said that many times before. I probably do info overload. People are probably not interested to know.
Lately, I've been feeling like I am losing good friends. Or just that, most of my good friends just have better things to do than to listen to my rubbish. They do listen when I really call out I suppose. Just, people are growing up and have bigger responsibilities and I would rather not have them listen to me go on and on about pretty much the same crap. Yeah, and people are just busier in general that it's difficult for me to find a friend whom I could just hang out with or just simply have a good conversation.
I'm craving for companionship. It's hard even to hold a nice proper conversation with people. People come and go... At one time, you are close to a person, then people drift apart. No matter how hard you try not to. It probably wasn't meant to be.... Maybe it was just the hype of having a new friend and then when you've learnt all you could from that person, you get bored. Is that even considered a close friend? I mean, would you even get bored of a friend? I don't think you would with close friends. Well, that's just me in my Utopia anyway.
I'm just starting to lose faith in people. I give up, sort of.. I've somewhat given up on trying to catch up. Trying to organise things. Trying to keep in contact. Trying... to no avail. I've simply, given up. Maybe when I just disappear.. maybe they may one day knock on my door and then surprise me. Then I will be happy because I was not expecting anything.
I hate it when people make empty promises. I guess I should just let things go. Situations change. Though, it makes me wonder(thinking again, naturally) whether or not people just say things to shut the other party up or just say things without thinking. I hate that. Maybe people just don't realise that maybe sometimes, the other party is cheered up by those very words and well, hang on to them. Hoping. Just to have their hopes dashed. It's no biggie really. It wasn't a big promise or anything. Just the passing mention of something just so the other party feels better. I guess it's something I would say too, or something should fine tune myself to NOT do. Don't know la. it just does affect me somewhat.
Operation un-cling-myself is purportedly to be in progress.. UNCLING my self-pitiful self.
I know it's quite likely that I am just over-thinking things again. Then again, I don't know.
How do I clarify things or know what's right from wrong? How can I be sure of what is right for me when I don't even know what I want.
Why can't I just accept things at face value and work towards something instead of constantly questioning things and wondering whether that is right or not?
The standard most logical answer to that is simply to not think too much. But, as a person who naturally does think. How does one stop thinking? Distractions work, however, they can only effective to a certain degree. Also, maybe it's also because I want to think?
Sometimes, I feel this strong urge to just blurt out whatever that's on my mind. Then, suddenly, I may realise that it's stupid and just fizzle and lose my guts to speak it out loud. Although, sometimes, the words just slip out and well, leading to either positive or negative outcomes. Sometimes it's just good to say whatever's on your mind. It's healthier rather than keeping things in. Then there are times where you just wished you'd never said it or that things are better left unsaid. Then there are things that have been on your mind for a long long time and you can neither decide whether or not it's right to tell or not.
I have one such thing. I think I should share it with the one person it involves. I have shared it with other people who haven't had much comments. I guess it's a sign I should just keep it to myself. I'm trying to start to keep things to myself. Sometimes I think I just information overload. Oh wait, I think I've said that many times before. I probably do info overload. People are probably not interested to know.
Lately, I've been feeling like I am losing good friends. Or just that, most of my good friends just have better things to do than to listen to my rubbish. They do listen when I really call out I suppose. Just, people are growing up and have bigger responsibilities and I would rather not have them listen to me go on and on about pretty much the same crap. Yeah, and people are just busier in general that it's difficult for me to find a friend whom I could just hang out with or just simply have a good conversation.
I'm craving for companionship. It's hard even to hold a nice proper conversation with people. People come and go... At one time, you are close to a person, then people drift apart. No matter how hard you try not to. It probably wasn't meant to be.... Maybe it was just the hype of having a new friend and then when you've learnt all you could from that person, you get bored. Is that even considered a close friend? I mean, would you even get bored of a friend? I don't think you would with close friends. Well, that's just me in my Utopia anyway.
I'm just starting to lose faith in people. I give up, sort of.. I've somewhat given up on trying to catch up. Trying to organise things. Trying to keep in contact. Trying... to no avail. I've simply, given up. Maybe when I just disappear.. maybe they may one day knock on my door and then surprise me. Then I will be happy because I was not expecting anything.
I hate it when people make empty promises. I guess I should just let things go. Situations change. Though, it makes me wonder(thinking again, naturally) whether or not people just say things to shut the other party up or just say things without thinking. I hate that. Maybe people just don't realise that maybe sometimes, the other party is cheered up by those very words and well, hang on to them. Hoping. Just to have their hopes dashed. It's no biggie really. It wasn't a big promise or anything. Just the passing mention of something just so the other party feels better. I guess it's something I would say too, or something should fine tune myself to NOT do. Don't know la. it just does affect me somewhat.
Operation un-cling-myself is purportedly to be in progress.. UNCLING my self-pitiful self.
xxx
In an unrelated thingamajig, I had another odd dream. I dreamt that I was at the Incredible Science fair(which is on later today!!). In it, I am wearing my old school uniform because it is a warm day(which was probably brought on by it being really warm under my blankets). But yeah, it's kinda really odd that I was wearing my MALAYSIAN high school uniform in my university here in NZ? Anyway, we were in the Chem building foyer near the stairs going up to the geology side of the building. Around there. But somehow I ended up in a courtyard, with like.. those concrete slab pathways. Square slabs with small patches of grass between. And there were some stone benches. It's odd.. because, my university has none of those things. Then I realise I am late and I should have been at the foyer helping to set up the texture analyser(which I will be handling today at the real Incredible Science fair).
I then woke up and looked at the clock and started to panic about being late.. only to realise that it was a Sunday. Yes, I was up late, but that it wasn't as bad as being late for the fair.
Anyway, spent my day baking two loaves of bread. It's odd.. i think my bread's becoming flatter and flatter. No idea what is wrong. I have a suspicion it's the yeast. Although, it could be the flour because I got a new bag of flour.. though, really? I have a suspicion it's the yeast. Haih.. Don't know la. It's just odd. Could it be the new pans? So many factors.. Better go do whatever I have to. Night.
In an unrelated thingamajig, I had another odd dream. I dreamt that I was at the Incredible Science fair(which is on later today!!). In it, I am wearing my old school uniform because it is a warm day(which was probably brought on by it being really warm under my blankets). But yeah, it's kinda really odd that I was wearing my MALAYSIAN high school uniform in my university here in NZ? Anyway, we were in the Chem building foyer near the stairs going up to the geology side of the building. Around there. But somehow I ended up in a courtyard, with like.. those concrete slab pathways. Square slabs with small patches of grass between. And there were some stone benches. It's odd.. because, my university has none of those things. Then I realise I am late and I should have been at the foyer helping to set up the texture analyser(which I will be handling today at the real Incredible Science fair).
I then woke up and looked at the clock and started to panic about being late.. only to realise that it was a Sunday. Yes, I was up late, but that it wasn't as bad as being late for the fair.
Anyway, spent my day baking two loaves of bread. It's odd.. i think my bread's becoming flatter and flatter. No idea what is wrong. I have a suspicion it's the yeast. Although, it could be the flour because I got a new bag of flour.. though, really? I have a suspicion it's the yeast. Haih.. Don't know la. It's just odd. Could it be the new pans? So many factors.. Better go do whatever I have to. Night.
Comments