It's 5.19am. I'm meant to be up in roughly 3 hours time for church. My mind's... pretty much... a mess...
I fell asleep, for a short while.. there was something very comforting about having him on the other end of the line, even though he was already asleep. Then I decided to hang up... thinking that I would go right back to bed. Only, I was wrong.
It's 5.19am, I'm sitting here shivering. I have an inkling that what I'm typing out now is due to auto-pilot taking over due to exhaustion. I couldn't sleep. I did something that was, well.. that should not have been done. So, I decided to distract myself by listening to some music. It didn't help. So, I decided to dig out an old... "diary" I used to write in. It proved to be very... frightening.
It was like opening up Pandora's box. Literally. THe things I wrote. WEll, I thought I'd come a long way from that. I thought I had learnt, to control my anger. My emotions. I thought that a good year had seen me grow up. Now, standing at the edge of the beginning of another new year. i find myself still the same sad emotional wreck that I was more than a year ago. I don't know how to comprehend this. Neither do I know what the solution is. It seems like I'm stuck in this sick cycle.
I start worrying, about how this attitude of mine is going to push the people who love me away. How it will drive them away. I start thinking about pushing them away first. Freeing them from the hurt and frustration that they will encounter if they continue to be with me.
I will never be free of this torment I call my mind. My thoughts are constantly eating at me. COnstantly GNAWING at my sanity. Breaking free, is very hard to do.
post-edit: SOmehow, I find blogging very therapeutic.. mmm.. weird.
I fell asleep, for a short while.. there was something very comforting about having him on the other end of the line, even though he was already asleep. Then I decided to hang up... thinking that I would go right back to bed. Only, I was wrong.
It's 5.19am, I'm sitting here shivering. I have an inkling that what I'm typing out now is due to auto-pilot taking over due to exhaustion. I couldn't sleep. I did something that was, well.. that should not have been done. So, I decided to distract myself by listening to some music. It didn't help. So, I decided to dig out an old... "diary" I used to write in. It proved to be very... frightening.
It was like opening up Pandora's box. Literally. THe things I wrote. WEll, I thought I'd come a long way from that. I thought I had learnt, to control my anger. My emotions. I thought that a good year had seen me grow up. Now, standing at the edge of the beginning of another new year. i find myself still the same sad emotional wreck that I was more than a year ago. I don't know how to comprehend this. Neither do I know what the solution is. It seems like I'm stuck in this sick cycle.
I start worrying, about how this attitude of mine is going to push the people who love me away. How it will drive them away. I start thinking about pushing them away first. Freeing them from the hurt and frustration that they will encounter if they continue to be with me.
I will never be free of this torment I call my mind. My thoughts are constantly eating at me. COnstantly GNAWING at my sanity. Breaking free, is very hard to do.
post-edit: SOmehow, I find blogging very therapeutic.. mmm.. weird.
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